The Untitled Entry

I left the title "The Untitled Entry' because I'm not quite sure how to put this. A thought just came into me while I was mind wrestling with myself.

It all started when my mom and I are talking about the psychology of people. How different people react about something... and that it shows from what personality they have. After the talk, I started psychoanalyzing myself again (as usual). Usually when I'm in this kind of trance, I go back to my past memories and review them all again... now with all the knowledge of my current being.

Then something hit me. Something about the subject of 'adultery'.

Adultery, I hate adultery! I LOATHE adultery! So it follows that I hate adulterers (homewreckers, kabit, kerida!). Arguably, it might be my most hated trait from some people. I mean, why would you go for someone na may asawa at pamilya, eh marami namang iba. Right?! It's like being selfish... you steal the guy/girl from his/her family just because you "love" (or "like") the person so much. Well, guess what?! Hindi lang yung asawa yung tinapakan mo, kung hindi pati yung (mga) anak. Nakakainis diba!?

Now, back to my psychoanalysis. So what is this thing that "disturbed" me about adultery?

Well here, I'll share something. Bear with me as I refresh a particular memory from my childhood...

I remember I was talking to my father. As a kid, I usually ask him questions when I'm curious about something. My dad is one of my greatest mentor. He taught me about a lot of things, and he shared with me a lot of his memories in his life. And he never backs down from my questions.

The one time, I asked him: "Pa, bakit maraming tao ang mahilig sa sex?".

(Hahahaha! Funny now, but as a kid I was curious back then. ;p)

He answered (of course with his trademark sense of humor and half-joke/half-serious answer): "Kasi masarap eh! Maiintindihan mo pag laki mo anak."

Sabi ko, "Huuuh!? Kadiri naman yun eh!"

Hahaha! Barubal noh! Haha! But that's my dad. He never backs out from my questions. He has this "macho" humor. Also, he grew up with this "macho mentality" of Pinoy men who think that 'guys should have more than one woman' para masabing "cool ka!" or "macho ka!". Laking probinsya kasi kaya naging ganun yung mentality niya! Hehe.

Anyways, now that I'm older... naisip ko: "Onga noh, tama nga ang dad ko! Masarap nga!" (hahaha!)

Hahaha! That was a funny (and true) experience. I'm actually amazed that I remember these things when I dig up my memories. ;p

But now, a more serious thought has come knocking on my mind. My curiosity is kicking in again, but now in a more serious and mature topic. These questions suddenly came flooding my mind:

"Bakit hindi makuntento ang isang lalake/babae sa kanilang asawa?"

"Bakit naghahanap pa sila ng iba?"

"Ganun ba talaga? Hindi ba talaga posible na isa lang ang mahalin? Hindi ba talaga kaya?"

"Hahanap at hahanap ka ba talaga ng iba?"

And sadly, no one gets to answer my questions this time around. My dad has speech impairment because of his stroke. And now, I'm no longer the 11 year old boy. I'm a young man at the age of 24, asking this questions from myself.

Then it hit me. "What if I asked my dad these questions years ago? What would he have answered?". I wouldn't really know.

But then again, I have an idea on what he would've said. But this is just my idea, because we really don't know for sure on what my dad would've answered. My dad is no saint. He was a great father, but I can't say that he was a perfect husband.

So yeah, I had an idea on what he would've said.

Now, this got me: If my dad proved me wrong about my idea of sex when I was a kid, could he prove me wrong about the case of 'adultery' again?

Natatakot ako because it left me with this thought:

When I get to marry (if ever) someone in the future, can I stay faithful? Or would my dad prove me wrong again... and become the very entity of what I hate?

I love my dad. He just grew up with the old typical "macho upbringing" that plagues our men-dominated society. I'm not blaming my grand father either, because his father might've brought him up the same way. And I just have to thank my mother for opening my eyes and bringing me up with a more "modern", and 'appropriate', way of looking at society.

****That's what I get for psychoanalyzing myself. Fil and his deep, self-thoughts. I'm a nutjob waiting to happen.****