ode to my fucked up self

It's been a while since I last blogged. So much has happened. Another semester has come and passed... this time, the most important semester in my college life, my supposed "last" semester. Unfortunately, not everything went into plan. I'm a little disappointed actually.

I sacrificed a lot. By God, I swear I did! So, of all people, it is I who should feel the most disappointed, right?! But what I'm feeling right now is that I let people down! I'm so fucked up right now that I can go for an hour staring at one place, just my mind flying away, lost in thoughts. I'm not exaggerating! My mom said so too... I accompanied her to the hospital again, and for the duration of the trip, I was silent like a mute.

Last Friday, I was supposed to go to Ed's birthday treat. I wasn't able to because my emotions got the best of me. It was a mixture of disappointment, anxiety, sadness, and frustration. On top of that, my recent failures was slowly but surely sinking in to me. I was thinking, "Why the fuck am I partying? I don't have the right to be celebrating!" I was looking instead for someone to talk to, someone I can trust. Sadly, I found no one. I never felt so alone in my life. Most of all, I feel so guilty letting my friends down... but I'm just human! The feelings I have so long suppressed is getting the best of me. I'm thinking that even if I did went to the party, I might have ruined it because of my distasteful mood. I love Ed, he's like a brother to me, and I want him to have a great night of celebration... and there's no way I'm gonna let a fool like me ruin it. That party was better off without me, that I assure.

To sum up this blog: "I am not feeling well, emotionally." I am not alright. When you ask me personally, I'll tell you I am OK, but I'm not! I'm really not! I'm just that kind of person, the type that doesn't want to worry others. The only reason I'm writing about this here is because I have the notion that people don't read blogs. This is my therapy. It is similar to confiding your secret to a mannequin... just a security blanket of sorts. And if people do read about this, it'll be the few, close ones who really care. Feelings that I've suppressed are now wanting to burst out, and my current disappointments and failures are slowly sinking in. Yes, I am a mess right now. Best way to deal with me right now is to just leave me alone. It would've been better if I was still the old me, who would've just spat on someone else's face when provoked, who would've just lashed out when angered... but I'm not. I tried so hard to build this new me... and I want to preserve it. As you can see right now... yes, I AM a fucking mess! I'm lonely and I'm alone... and shit is getting through me.

And do you know what the hardest part is? Maintaining a happy face.